April 29, 2010

"Clown Tears and Life Bane" and "My Mind Your Eyes" by Jason B.D.K. Alliman

Jason B.D.K. Alliman: http://mysoulyoureyes.blogspot.com/2010/04/clowns-tears-and-lifes-bane.html


Clown Tears and Life Bane

Fuck!
Life is so empty.
I walk with a blank stare past grey flowers and dying bees and see
nothing.
I observe pathetically as days become nights,
Nights become long,
And I repeatedly crack and repair.

Everything betrays me.
Birds scream, school sucks, girls lie, god disappoints, friends forsake,
and I analyse the use out of emotions.
I long to feel good again.
But most days all I know is hate-
I hate my parents, my friends, the people on tv, god, myself.
I want to know joy, happiness... genuine, again.
I don't ask for much. I don't want to be care-free.
I just want to feel like me again.

I want to remember love, and passion, and ambition.
... I haven't felt like me in a long time.

I stay inert.
Life doesn't go on.
Time does.
When will it end?
God, when will it end?


Jason B.D.K. Alliman: http://mysoulyoureyes.blogspot.com/2010/04/my-mind-your-eyes_11.html

My Mind, Your Eyes


Where do you turn
when your house is not a home?
The life you love is gone, your family shatters,
you're all alone.
Crying doesn't help, lying doesn't help, dying is but one step
away but won't come yet.
You're too broken to even fight back,
to feel anger, heartbreak, sadness.
You ghost around yourself, your life, your world,
a silent observer as it unfurls.
Unconnected, in every way,
to friends, family, everything...
Night becomes day,
I lazily try to find my way,
but tomorrow forever remains next day,
same bullshit.
But not for two things, right now I would end it:
my heart, and that sadly,
someone would probably follow just to nag me.
Stop.
Think of the implications of rash actions by two factions and likely reactions and what lacks to both backs, when pressed to a wall, in a corner, are you sure now? so you're sure? wow. can you discern how you want to proceed? sure, it is your deed. but you sure it's not the weed? I'm sure he's not my seed. I'm not sure just what I need, but I've had all I can stand... all that I can sit... all that I can spit... all of this is it? all of this is shit. I'd rather take a hit of the chronic, a sip of gin and tonic. my mind's racing; it's sonic. my mind's aching, demonic. don't worry, I'm on it. don't worry, I'm in it. and no, I can't mend it. don't worry, I'll end it...
But...


Do I love them enough to just not,
not try, not react,
and just stop?


Fretting so much that those around
might just burst,
but it's the not caring that makes the pain so much worse.
My heart is too empty for empathy.
It hurts.
Prison is a matter of location.
I've been trapped in this world, my mind,
for who knows how long...
Whether I'm in or I'm out, there or here,
off, on, right, wrong,
it doesn't matter.
I'll continue to wait and take what I get.
Sadly, a joke of cruel fate;
I just won't die yet...

"A mind is a terrible thing to waste... but an even more terrible thing to use."

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